The Twelve Pains of Christmas
by Plungerpal
Summary: Bob Rivers' Twelve Pains of Christmas song with Baldur's Gate characters. Also has a funny dialogue between me and the set crew before the main feature.


The Twelve Pains of Christmas

Disclaimer: I own everything! Go on, sue me! GUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Greetings reader. Welcome to a peek into the Christmas season in the land of Faerun. I am aware that they worship different gods but Christmastime in Faerun is when the evil god Bhaal was murdered and all his children were born. In this story, we will view what certain citizens of Faerun do for Christmas, including Nalia, Minsc, Korgan, Sarevok, Edwin, Aerie, Viconia, Auric Jr., Jan, Mazzy, Anomen, and Auric. Enjoy! Ready fellas? 5,4,3,2,1, start!

Valygar: Uh, sir, we're having a slight problem with the lights.

Me: Oh great. What is it this time?

Valygar: Haer'Dalis tripped over the cord and unplugged it.

Me: Then plug it back in!

Valygar: Oh. Okay. (leaves)

Me: Now can we start?

Keldorn: Here we go walking to help Viconia, help Viconia, help Viconia. Here we go now to help Viconia, all through the day.

Me: Keldorn, where the hell are you going?

Keldorn: To help Viconia before she goes on.

Me: Viconia doesn't need any help! And I thought you hated her.

Keldorn: All things change.

Me: Well go help Valygar and Haer'Dalis with the lights!

Keldorn: Okay. (leaves)

Me: Now if there's any more problems, just ignore them and let's get this started.

Cernd: Sir, Yoshimo ate all the danishes.

Me: Then go get more!

Cernd: He drank all the eggnog too.

Me: He WHAT? That's it, I'm going to personally kill Yoshimo for drinking all my eggnog! (leaves)

Cernd: That got rid of him. Now I can do what I've always wanted to do. Juggle a pot on my head on a unicycle.

Cernd sits on a unicycle and puts a pot on his head. He drops it after twenty seconds.

Me: Cernd, what the hell are you doing? Get off the stage!

Cernd: Yes sir.

Me: Now if there are no more interferences, we can start. Ready Valygar? Throw the switch!

Valygar: Aye aye sir! (throws the switch)

A whole bunch of lights saying 'The Baldur's Gate Christmas Spectacular' come on and send me flying.

Jan: Maestro, are you ready?

Maestro Chicken: Cluck.

Jan: Good. Start the music!

A whole orchestra of chickens pick up musical instruments and begin playing 'the twelve days of Christmas'

All: The first thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Nalia: Is finding a Christmas tree!

All: The second thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Minsc: Rigging up the lights

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The third thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Korgan: Hangovers

Minsc: Rigging up the lights

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The fourth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Sarevok: Sending Christmas cards

Korgan: Hangovers

Minsc: Rigging up the lights

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The fifth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: Sending Christmas cards

Korgan: Hangovers

Minsc: (getting annoyed) Rigging up the lights

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The sixth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Aerie: Facing my in-laws

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: Oh I hate those Christmas cards!

Korgan: Hangovers

Minsc: (really annoyed) Rigging up these lights!

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The seventh thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Viconia: The salvation army

Aerie: Facing my in-laws

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: Sending Christmas cards

Korgan: Oh jeez.

Minsc: I'm trying to rig up these lights!

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The eighth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Auric Jr.: Mommy! I want Jon Irenicus for Christmas!

Viconia: Charities and what do you mean your in-laws!

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: Oh, making up these cards!

Korgan: How about getting me an ale, huh?

Minsc: What, we have no extension cords?

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree! 

All: The ninth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Jan: Finding parking spaces

Auric Jr.: Daddy! I want some candy!

Viconia: Donations!

Aerie: Facing my in-laws

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: Writing up those Christmas cards

Korgan: Hangovers

Minsc: Now why the hell are they blinking?

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The tenth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Mazzy: Batteries not included

Jan: No parking spaces

Auric Jr.: Buy me something!

Viconia: Get a job, you bum!

Aerie: Facing my in-laws

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: Yo ho! Sending Christmas cards.

Korgan: Oh jeez, look at this.

Minsc: One light goes out and they all go out!

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The eleventh thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Anomen: Stale TV specials!

Mazzy: Batteries not included

Jan: No parking spaces

Auric Jr.: I have to go to the bathroom!

Viconia: Charities!

Aerie: She's a witch. I hate her!

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: I don't even know half these people!

Korgan: Who's got the toilet paper?

Minsc: Get me the flashlight, the fuse is blown!

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: The twelfth thing at Christmas that really gets to me

Auric: Singing Christmas carols

Anomen: Stale TV specials

Mazzy: Batteries not included

Jan: No parking?

Auric Jr.: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Viconia: Charities

Aerie: Gotta make 'em dinner.

Edwin: Five months of bills!

Sarevok: I'm not going to send them this year.

Korgan: Shut up you!

Minsc: FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!

Nalia: And finding a Christmas tree!

All: MERRY CHRISTMAS! 


End file.
